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Y'see... one of the kids broke wind.
This is a thing that happens. However, being as I was a middle school teacher at the time, it is a major event when a kid breaks wind, particularly if it is audible, and most certainly if there is a noticeable odor. In this case, it was both, and any education going on immediately ceased as the kids promptly reacted as if the Taliban had come charging in with molotov cocktails and a suitcase nuke. Believe it or not, this was a regular predictable thing. Such is the case of being the Behavior Guy at a middle school.
But that was when Bobo brought out the can of Axe Body Spray.
"Hearken unto me!" cried Bobo. "A stench! A stench, I do confess it! It assaults my nares, it offends mine very soul! This is not to be countenanced, and I must needs take action!" And with this, he began hosing the can of Axe around himself, liberally.
Now, Axe Body Spray is not intended to be used as a room deodorizer. A little goes a long way, and it's meant to be used sparingly on bare skin, nowhere sensitive, certainly not on mucous membranes, and certainly not running up and down amidst the desks hosing it left, right, up, down, and all around.
I called for Bobo to cease what he was doing.
"NAY, Pedant!" he cried. "I am sore offended by this flatulent redolence! I shall ensconce, overwrite, and otherwise erase it with this fine commercial product, that heaven scent, this delicious aroma!"
"Bobo, STOP it! You're using too MUCH!"
"I dissent! This delicate recreation of brilliance! This gaseous orgasmic cloud! I find its odor overwhelmingly positive! I shall continue to hose it about liberally, until said can is empty!"
I walked over and hit the panic button. "Security to Bedlam's class," I said.
Bobo made clear his continued dissent. "Why!" he cried. "Why do you call forth thy soldiery upon me, who seeks only to spread the floral gospel of goodness and beauty among us?"
"Bobo," I said, opening a window. "We literally cannot breathe through the chemical fog you have spread throughout the room. My eyes are friggin' burning, and Jojo over there looks like he's about to keel over!"
"I further dissent, Pedant!" he cried. "This beauteous consumer product is naught but beneficient! It is nothing other than concentrated goodness and positivity! How, then, dare you say otherwise!" I believe it was around this time that the can was empty, and the school cop arrived. He immediately squinted his eyes and began fanning the air in front of him, and I stuck a box fan in the open window...
Now, the story is true, if the dialogue is not. Bobo wasn't that articulate. His dialogue consisted of a justification, "HE FARTED!" and a response, "IT SMELLS GOOD!" in reference to his Axe body spray, his refusal to cease hosing it around, and his objection to being dragged bodily from the classroom while the rest of us tried to make the room fit for human habitation. "IT SMELLLLLLS GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"
In Bobo's mind, the fart was a BAD thing, and utterly justified HIS action, even if his action was far more disruptive than the fart had been, as well as much more noxious. "IT SMELS GOOOOOOD!"
I found myself thinking about this long-ago incident today. Y'see, this past week, the well known cartoonist Scott Adams stated on his podcast thingy some pretty noxious racist views. I haven't paid much attention to Adams in a few years -- newspaper comics being a thing of the past, and Adams in particular having said some pretty poisonous stuff in his public statements, particularly since Trump got elected. Adams has demonstrated that he's a pretty serious Foxite, and that any disagreement you might have with his positions is due to stupidity on your part, and I am disinclined to listen to this sort of fellow. So it goes.
...but when one describes the unwhite folks as a "hate group," and suggests that segregation be practiced, well, it's fairly natural to figure that perhaps there might be consequences for publicly airing one's odious views. There were. Apparently, a fair number of newspapers have levered "Dilbert" out of their lineups on the comic page, leading to Adams complaining about how his freedom of speech has been abridged, yadda yadda, you know the drill.
So... apparently one or more Black folks did or said something to upset Scott Adams... and in response, he went on his show and maligned the unwhite folks in general. And apparently, a number of his patrons have withdrawn their patronage in response, not wanting to be associated with this sort of behavior. And he's PISSED about it.
And damned if I didn't find myself, upon hearing about this, suddenly remembering the angry and outraged Bobo, being dragged off to detention, still wielding his empty Axe can, screaming and raging and howling. "BUT IT SMELLS GOOOOOOOOOOOD!"
I'm a patient man. I can understand a school child being upset about a smelly fart, and outraged that his own action to do something about it wasn't sanctioned.
I am far less patient with poison millionaires who should know better.
